Author: Alex Thompson
I Need Help Dealing With My Angry and Alcoholic Mother
Nobody is beyond help and the support and understanding of loved ones can be absolutely crucial in the recovery process. However, a person needs to understand and accept they have an alcohol addiction and be ready to change for treatment to be successful. You cannot force your alcoholic father or mother into rehab but try to stay patient and persistent in your efforts to help them. Having an alcoholic parent can be difficult, so it’s important to get the help you need to take care of yourself.
Living with an alcoholic father or mother can really take its toll and it may feel like you are totally alone. However, organisations like UKAT have vast experience in treating people who are addicted to alcohol and we can help your parent too. Not long after her mum died Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and although she always took her medication she wasn’t really taking care of herself. Then two years ago, around the time of her marriage to Jay, she realised she needed help, both for depression and to enable her to process the trauma she’d experienced growing up. “Mum had started drinking, got herself in a state, and disappeared with a load of tablets,” Becky says.
Whether or not she has any other problems remains a mystery but wouldn’t surprise me. Fortunately, I’m off to university this year and I can’t wait to get out of here. Things are finally looking up but it’s still hard and I’m surprised my dad is still with her after 26 years. Thank you for reading this, sometimes it really helps to let things out. It’s very hard at times and people really don’t understand how nasty she is. That isn’t to say that you should just accept the situation.
Children of alcoholics are more likely to suffer from depression, struggle in school, and experience abuse and violence at home. Many find that they are still deeply affected by their parent’s drinking as adults – like Becky Ellis Hamilton. Currently, not a single local authority in the UK has a strategy that targets COAs, and neither the social care nor the public health system has developed effective strategies to support them.
How to help an alcoholic father or mother
External messages that you’re bad, crazy, and unlovable become internalized. You’re incredibly hard on yourself and struggle to forgive or love yourself. During childhood, you came to believe that you’re fundamentally flawed, and the cause of the family dysfunction. Growing up in an alcoholic home, you feel insecure and crave acceptance. The constant lying, manipulation, and harsh parenting makes it hard to trust people.
If you grew up in an alcoholic or addicted family, chances are it had a profound impact on you. Often, the full impact isn’t realized until many years later. The feelings, personality traits, and relationship patterns that you developed to cope with an alcoholic parent, come with you to work, romantic relationships, parenting, and friendships.
That Saturday night, after Becky had finished doing her mother’s make-up, Pat set off for Brian’s house. It’s possible she drank more on the way, Becky says, as Brian told her to sleep it off and went out alone. “You could tell straight away – she just changed, it was as though as soon as she started drinking she kind of checked out.”
Caring for Your Emotional Health
This sets you on a treadmill of always having to prove your worth by achieving more and more. But your achievements arent satisfying.Perfectionismand low self-esteem force to you set your goals higher and continue to try to prove yourself. Join the Healthcare Professionals Network to read more pieces like this. And follow us on Twitter (@GdnHealthcare) to keep up with the latest healthcare news and views.
- This leads to controlling behaviors in your relationships.
- On this page, we will explain how to recognise alcohol addiction and the impact it can have on families.
- This will help you to plan what you are going to say and give you the tools and courage you need to help your parent into treatment.
- External messages that you’re bad, crazy, and unlovable become internalized.
This limits the amount of intimacy you can have with your partner and can leave you feeling disconnected. “My mum has always struggled with her drinking. Since the start of the pandemic she is no longer [attending] AA meetings and is drinking more than I have ever known her to.” “I am in lockdown with both parents who drink too much and my dad is becoming more aggressive.” “When she was drunk she would tell me about how she was abused [as a child],” Becky says. “And she told us who it was – it was someone in the family.” When she was sober, Pat was “the most amazing, perfect mum,” Becky says, “so kind and funny, and fun”.
Living with an alcoholic parent
If possible, try to find a safe place to go when your parent is drinking, like a library, friend’s house, or a local park. Remind yourself that your parent’s drinking is not your fault or responsibility. The best you can do for your parent is talk to them about getting help, but remember that it has to be their choice. In the meantime, do your best to care for your emotional health, like taking time to de-stress from the situation.
“My mum would have wanted me to do whatever makes me happy – and what makes me happy is helping people like her.” “My mum had gone, I had completely lost my identity – this secret life I’d had and all the pretence I’d been living through was gone. Everyone knew everything and I just didn’t know who I was.” “I’ve more happy memories of her in that period of time,” Becky says, “I think meeting him – someone that genuinely did care about her, and me and my grandma – gave her more of a reason to try.” “She would give me a hug if she knew she’d done something wrong, had upset me, or something dramatic had happened the night before,” Becky says.
I Need Help Dealing With My Angry and Alcoholic Mother
Perhaps most frightening is the indomitable perpetuity of this ravaging plague; children of alcoholics are three times more likely to develop drug or alcohol problems themselves. Explain the impact that your parent’s drinking is having on your family with clear examples of the changes you have noticed in your relationship. Addiction loves confrontation because it provides it with the opportunity to lash out or become aggressive. This is why rates of domestic violence are higher in homes where alcoholism is an issue, particularly when there is an alcoholic father present. If things do get heated or your alcoholic parent becomes abusive or violent, be ready to end the conversation, particularly if you are worried about your safety or that of anyone else present.
Seek professional help
They show up as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, stress, anger, and relationship problems. If all your efforts have failed or you don’t feel confident approaching your parent about their drinking, you can seek professional help to stage an intervention. UKAT works with some of the UK’s best professional interventionists who can advise you on every step of the process. This will help you to plan what you are going to say and give you the tools and courage you need to help your parent into treatment.